"Hell Yes Or No"
BY TAYLOR WADE
ESTIMATED READING TIME: 4:24 MINUTES
The dating world is a continually unfolding set of possibilities and opportunities. You have the ability to meet new singles on a never-ending basis, whether it be through dating apps, matchmakers, school and other activities, or friends and family.
However, when you meet someone worth pursuing, will you do just that? Will you make a choice to pursue this one person and exit the dating pool?
Author and Journalist Sebastian Junger once said, “The tricky thing about life is on the one hand having the courage to enter into things that aren’t familiar but to also have the wisdom to stop exploring when you have found something worth sticking around for. That’s true of a place, a person, of a vocation…”
Yes, it takes courage to leave the noncommittal and casual world of dating and enter into a committed relationship. Yes, it takes wisdom to know when you have found someone worth pursuing.
But furthermore, it takes passionate desire. Without a feeling that you must see this person again, it’s pointless.
Author Derek Sivers made an extremely simple but life-altering point in his book, Anything You Want. “If you’re not saying “HELL YEAH!” about something,” he says, “say “no.” When deciding whether to do something, if you feel anything less than “Wow! That would be amazing! Absolutely! Hell yeah!” — then say “no.” When you say no to most things, you leave room in your life to really throw yourself completely into that rare thing that makes you say “HELL YEAH!””
I’d like to apply this rule to the dating world because I believe it holds more strength when applied to relationships.
When you aren’t saying “hell yes” to the person you’re dating, and when they aren’t reciprocating a “hell yes” to you, then say no and walk away. This will save you many future headaches.
Keep in mind, you don’t need to be absolutely convinced that you are going to fall head-over-heels in love and marry this person. You just need to feel a “hell yes” to continue seeing this person and getting to know this person. If you’re already in a committed relationship, you should feel a “hell yes” to continuing the relationship. If you’re in a relationship and experiencing problems, you should feel a “hell yes” to resolving those issues and continuing the relationship.
Author and Blogger Mark Manson writes a great article on this very topic. He strains the point that both parties should be equally as enthusiastic about one another and that no “grey area” should exist. This grey area is composed of ambiguous feelings and one having stronger feelings than the other. “If you’re in the grey area to begin with,” he says, “you’ve already lost.”
However, it’s normal for one person to experience stronger feelings more rapidly than the other. For example, it’s possible that one person falls in love first, and the other falls in love shortly thereafter. That is okay and completely normal. What’s not okay is when one person continues to have much stronger feelings for the other over the duration of the entire relationship. Again, both parties should be equally as enthusiastic about one another.
Manson points out that using the “hell yes or no” rule has many tangible benefits on your dating life, including:
1. No longer be strung along by people who aren’t that into you. End all of the headaches. End the wishing and hoping. End the disappointment and anger that inevitably follows. Start practicing self-respect. Become the rejector, not the rejected.
2. No longer pursue people you are so-so on for ego purposes. We’ve all been there. We were so-so about somebody, but we went along with it because nothing better was around. And we all have a few we’d like to take back. No more.
3. Consent issues are instantly resolved. If someone is playing games with you, playing hard to get, or pressuring you into doing something you’re unsure about, your answer is now easy. Or as I often like to say in regards to dating, “If you have to ask, then that’s your answer.”
4. Establish strong personal boundaries and enforce them. Maintaining strong boundaries not only makes one more confident and attractive, but also helps to preserve one’s sanity in the long-run.
5. Always know where you stand with the other person. Since you’re now freeing up so much time and energy from people you’re not that into, and people who are not that into you, you now find yourself perpetually in interactions where people’s intentions are clear and enthusiastic. Sweet!
Now, you may run into two roadblocks when using this rule of thumb.
First, what if you’re not saying “hell yes” to anyone?
It could be you’re not allowing yourself to be vulnerable and let others in. This is often the case for those who struggle with trust or insecurity issues.
Second, what if others aren’t saying “hell yes” to you?
Then it’s time to take an honest look at yourself and ask where you can improve. Self-improvement is key.